Scry's Guide for Surviving Rabid Fanfics as a Character
Written by Scryren
Illustrated by Panda

This makeshift guide is purely for entertainment only and should not be taken seriously.

"You are falling into the category of enemy very quickly... You will be dispatched quickly and effectively. There is no gender in enemy. All enemy is equal. Be aware. I do not care. If you are enemy you will be disposed of. My job is to close with and destroy the enemy." - SKTFM


Escape and Evasion
Try to trick them into telling you about the location/building you're in and if possible what the weather is like outside. Mention how you want to see the sun and how you want to breathe fresh air or something. They might give away that it's snowing or that the air outside is toxic.

When you escape from a realm where a magic item was placed on you that you could not remove, chances are it can be removed now.

Always assume that the above items can be tracked. Get them off now. After removal, place them into the pockets of another who is not heading in the same direction as you. This allows them to be chased instead of you (Side not: Place them all on the same person. It would not be wise to let them see you in different places at once unless you cannot get all of the items off. In this case, put them on several people but assume that they are tracking you only).

Never backtrack, return to any familiar places or be seen by familiar people. They're waiting for you at these places and your friends are more than likely in on it. If not you can apologize for not trusting them later.

If you have a repetitive itching on your hand and a light is blinking under the skin sure as fuck any civilized place you walk by will pick you up.

Stay in large crowds if the people after you are extremely strict on not being seen or cannot cause commotion in public. If they have a silver wand and sunglasses start running and knocking shit over.

Don't be a wuss. Cut your hair, dye it and style it different. You are not your hair and it's better than being dead. See Figure A

Stay the hell out subways and anywhere near rails.

Do not go into alleys especially if you can't see down it.

If you are in the forest stay off all trails and bridges. Do what the SEALS do and go through the stream and brush.

If you're hiding and the guy with the dog walks past you they did find you. It is a trap and you're fucked unless you have a knife and you know how to use it. Do not backtrack.

Cover up your blood trails.

Remember, fire cleanses. See Figure B

Fight dirty. You can justify it all to yourself later. *1

If you have amnesia and someone tells you to trust them, don't. They are lying and the reason they found you is because they were waiting for you.

Do not drink anything they give you especially if it's bright red.

Do not taunt, just kill.

When dealing with mind readers, send a painful amount of thoughts all at once. It might distract them enough to make the kill.

Projectile vomiting works only when it hits your target so don't miss.

Biting and clawing is futile...unless you can get your teeth around their nose, don't bother.

Do not taunt the sadist. The same goes for Happy Fun Ball. See Figure D

Two words: preemptive strike.

Dealing with magic and cults
Do not let anyone take your dead skin, nail or hair clippings.

Try to move/open tombstones and statues. There could be a portal.

Never say "Hastur" in front of a robed religious fanatic. Actually, it might throw them into mass panic and it could be used to your advantage. Use with caution.

Never ever read text you don't understand out loud especially if it's in Latin.

If it was too easy stop thinking about it and haul ass.

Do not freeze when you're surprised or scared. Take a lesson from road kill.

Before chopping a body part off make sure you can effectively stop the bleeding. See Figure C

The back of those Do Everything-Marts are your friends for they sell shotguns.

Conserving energy is good but don't be too docile or they will catch on.

Suck it up and pour the holy water over the zombie bite.

Collecting Information from People

About person
Are you classified as human?

Can you soak?

Do you know any healing magic?

Escape info
When feeding the worms becomes an option: Do you know necromancy? Does anyone in this realm know necromancy? Are there necromancers, period? Are you sure? Good. (proceed to suicide self)

Don't Become Cannon Fodder

Research and training
Read lots of RPG monster books and Lovecraftian horror for weaknesses. It's always good to know the difference between an Illithid and a servant of Dagon. See Figure E

Read about how to nullify magic in several different RPGs and real life religions.

Know what can cut metal, leather and cloth (scissors, multitools, shears, tin snips, pruners, hedge trimmers, knives).

Know how radio frequency and GPS works with the current technology.

Learn how to put up a mental shield.

Practice holding your breath. There's probably not a way out of the room with the gas but it's the principle of the thing.

Learn how to control your breathing. Hyperventilating should not be used as an advantage.

Get a good knife.

Always carry a hat that covers your eyes. Boonie hats work great for avoiding cameras.

Know where to get a wage salve suit so you can blend in with the local populous on the streets.

Have a cache of phosphorous shells, silver bullets and holy water.

Keep an Ultraviolet flashlight in your backpack and in your car. Burning for the undead, melee for living.

Know how to fight with or without a weapon, injured, drunk, drugged and how to pretend to be all of those in a fight.

Fuck pressure points. Shatter the knee, puncture the windpipe and snap the neck.

WWI/II German trench knives can fit in at the base of the skull (that little indentation at the top of your neck that's about ear level). Aim up and push. See Figure F

If someone can grab you by the hair, your hair is too long.


When you feel an icy chill and wind when there's not one, look up, it's a vampire.

When your enemies are distracted with each other, now is your chance to kill them or haul ass.

Never get in a land war with Asia.


1. SKTFM -
2. Quote from the movie The Fifth Element (1997).

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